Look At Me
Away with my mom and kids over spring break last week, the light parted the clouds and I learned something about myself. One of those Oh epiphanies I’ve been getting more and more of lately. Often self revelation is embarrassing, burdensome, and painful but if you flip it around it can be an opportunity for a good laugh, a relief and bring a bit of joy.
I was in the pool with my two fish as both of them repeated over and over like the happy call of a dolphin, Look at me, mama. Then one would dive to the bottom of the pool as the other would do an underwater summersault. Look at me, mama, look at me. They were so excited to show me their water tricks, eager for my attention, thrilled to receive my affirming smile.
I swam over to the side of the pool where my mother sat watching her grandchildren in between reading her book. Mom, I whispered, Did I seek your attention like this as a kid? Did I constantly ask you to look at me so I could show you something I could do. She smiled. Took a breath and said no. Taking another breath she said, You would want to show me what you had done around the house.
My oldest sister tells me at age four I had the cleanest room in the house. So hearing my mom’s answer reminded me of how I would tidy up, straighten the house like hired help preparing for a party. Instead of saying, Mama, look at me do the splits I said, Mama look at how I made your bed, and piled the magazines on the coffee table.
I was finding my way to receive recognition in the family as the youngest of four children living with a mentally ill father. Wanting everyone to see my clean bedroom and fluffed pillows room was the same as my little cuties in the water wanting me to see how long they could hold their breath. We all want to be seen. We all want affirmation. Yes, some more than others and in different ways, indeed.
This exchange got me thinking about what I do at home. I am a stay at home mom with both kids in school this year for the first time so I better have a clean house. I better make it pretty for my husband to walk into every night. The funny thing is, he could care less. If he comes home and sees the dishes piled, he rolls up his sleeves and starts washing. He doesn’t ask questions or say look at me I’m doing the dishes you could have done today. And if it is a day where I have completed a project, I barely let him walk through the front door before I lead him to the room where I have cleaned, organized…accomplished something for the day. This is my M.O. I think in my little brain that I will be worthy if I accomplish something around the house and make it look nice. It sounds neurotic and twisted just writing this on paper. But now that the words are written I also feel lighter. No one is asking me to make it all look so perfect. I am worthy regardless of how clean or messy the house is.
I think a part of me will always want to be seen. Affirmation is something I crave. Now with this new “aha” I will be more aware of my actions. If I am cleaning the house so others will approve and think I am great then that is just ridiculous.
The next time we are at a pool I want to have my children teach me how to do tricks in the water so I can say, Look at me kids, your mama can do a summersault underwater. That will make them smile, the clean junk drawer, not so much.
Swimming recently with my children helped me to rearrange my priorities.